It’s been a while but here is a new Wilson & Wolfenden all up in your grill.
I bloody love dogs. In fact for the first 19 years of my life, you would have been hard pressed to see me more than a few feet away from one. However that changed the night I handed over the still warm and lifeless body of our little lurcher to the vet, after she gasping her final breaths on our living room carpet. After that, I said goodbye to our canine chums, deciding that the heartbreak was just too much.
Then in 2008, Andrew began seeing a woman called Lisa. Lisa was an animator who worked for the lovely Cosgrove Hall but more than that, Lisa owned a dog called Bob. One day Lisa and Andrew asked me to look after Bob for a couple of hours and I agreed. By this point Bob was already suffering from cancer and had lost a leg. However by the time Lisa and Andy had returned, I’d bought him a toy and stocked up on dog treats. I looked after him a couple more times before he passed away and I was reminded that a home is just better with a dog in it.
After a suitable period of mourning Lisa and Andrew adopted a lurcher called Hunter. The first time I met Hunter was when I opened my front door to a gangly, jumpy, chewy whirlwind. He burst into my living room and nearly knocked me to floor before diving head first into my kitchen flip-top bin (something he still does when he visits). Of course by now he was no longer called Hunter but went by the much nicer name of Dill.
So I was doggy ga-ga again and Dill quickly became the face of The Gentleman’s Review podcast. Let me be clear though. Dill is Lisa and Andrew’s hound, not mine. I say this because I tend to tweet lots of photos of him when he comes to visit and people often think that he’s my pooch. In fact he’s become so linked with me in the minds of my family that he featured on my 40th birthday cake.
So even though I love ‘em, the strange thing is, I don’t actually own a dog.
As an addition, I’d like to say how sad I am to hear about the loss of Floyd the lurcher who’s Twitter updates always made me happy, though I think he may have had help. On the same day my friend Becky lost her lovely lurcher Flossy who was a three and a half legged wonder of the world. Rest in piece my furry chums.
Even though this blog has its fair share of sadness, I would still like to encourage those of you who are looking for a new hound to consider adopting one from your local rescue charity. However, if like me, you work all day and live in rented accommodation. You can always donate some money to keep the lights on and the bellies, of humanity’s best friend, full.
I have a confession to make, I sometime don’t know things.
For instance I like music but have very little interest in the people who make it, which leaves me at a disadvantage and I often find myself scurrying to Wikipedia to find out who Nick Cave is or why people are upset that Nelg Flotwich has died. The one thing I don’t do is tweet “Who’s Nelg Flotwich?” Why would I? With the resources available to me I can probably discover for myself who Nelg is without bothering other people and showing my ignorance. However, other people don’t seem to have that same compunction, especially when it comes to technology.
We’ve all met these people. They’re the ones who have a Nokia 3310 and can’t pull it out of their pocket without announcing that they only need a phone that makes phone calls (even though that phone has a GPRS browser and can text). Then they put it back in their pocket wearing a smug expression that they hold right up to the point that they need to find out the time of the last train to Huddersfield. Then it’s “Martin, can you look up the train times for me on that fancy phone of yours.”
Now, you may be thinking, what if they’re poor and can’t afford fancy phones? Well these people are never poor, they’re simply trying to make some kind of point. Also smartphones are not fancy, you can pick up a half decent Android smartphone for £25 at Argos (at date of posting). No, I’m afraid this is something else, something I hate to call Technorance.
I do see the irony of railing against the technorant on a technological medium, so I’m going to stop there and respond to a news story I just read. I may return to this subject in the future, if I can work out how to use the terrifying hover computer.
If you fancy getting to grips with technology, you could do worse than downloading the second episode of the podcast I do with my friend Andrew. You can get it at iTunes and wilsonandwolfenden.com. I would be most grateful if would subscribe on iTunes.
So I’ve had my PlayStation 4 for a week now and I must say that I am rather impressed. I don’t want to turn this into a tech blog, there are loads of those already. However I really must write about it so that in eight years time I can look back at this entry and laugh at how impressed I was by a games machine that doesn’t even have a neural interface. I was an idiot back now.
I’ve mentioned before that I went for the PS4 simply the internal gubbins are far better than those of the Xbox One. This seems to have been a good decision as we are already seeing games designers reducing the visual quality of their games to fit on that system.
Anyway, I’m not here to knock the Xbox One. However Microsoft do seem to have made precisely the same mistake Sony made when launching the last generation of blindly fun boxes. Back when the Xbox 360 and PS3 launched (nearly a year apart), it became obvious that apart from the outdated DVD drive the Xbox was the better machine. It had double the memory of the PS3, which was the only reason I needed to buy it. This time the specs are closer but the PS4 wins with a better GPU and that super speedy DDR5 memory, not to mention its compact size and pleasing shape. It looks like Microsoft were so afraid of another ‘red ring of death’ that they designed a box full of coolings but with all the aesthetic quality of a car battery in a ditch.
Yes, I am very disappointed Microsoft. We could have had something together, but you cut corners. YOU CUT CORNERS, YOU RAT BASTARD!
The first thing that struck me about the PS4 was the interface. It was smooth, like a silk hanky on a melting butter penis and it was really easy to find everything. I gleefully entered my user name and password half a dozen times to set up the various apps and free trials. Then I fell asleep for an hour. Yes kids, that’s what happens when you get older. You excitedly bring your new toy home from the shops and nod off while setting it up.
After waking up and making a cup of tea, I popped in the copy of Tomb Raider: Definitive Edition I’d bought for cheaps on the Ebays and my jaw dropped. The quality of the graphics were astonishing. You could see all the hairs on Lara’s head and the texture of her skin. If I were a heterosexual and a pixelphile, I would have married her in a fancy electric church. Also, I was delighted to see that Lara is no longer the gigantically boobed character of the early games. She is now a strong and heroic woman. Screenwriters, take note.
Well I could wank on about the other features of the console for hours but I’d bore myself, so I’ll stop here. By the way Killzone: Shadowfall is the buggiest game I have ever played, so I wouldn’t bother with it. Also the camera is fun but the voice recognition sucks.
Update: Killzone was updated yesterday and is now working properly.
It’s summer in the United Kingdom and the sun is cracking ‘t flags. So what can you do to maximise your enjoyment of this special time of year? Here are some sexy suggestions.
- Ride a frozen glove.
- Kiss a deer.
- Sweat yourself French.
- Sting a friend with wasps.
- Lick a ghost.
- Piss on a jellyfish.
- Scream something complicated.
- Write a poem called ‘A Maelstrom of Cocks’.
- Dress as a Victorian and demand to see the lunatics in your local psychiatric hospital.
- Watch Breaking Bad backwards, chanting “fixing good fixing good fixing good…”
- Buy an octopus nine pints.
- Go into space.
- Thrill a mockingbird.
- Stick bunting up your arse and call an ambulance.
- Inform your family that you have a week to live and die forty years later, laughing.
- Get a job at the Cadbury’s factory and fill the Cream Eggs with sick.
- Visit Stewart Hall in prison, wearing a giant foam penis.
- Glue googly eyes to corpses.
- Discover what happened to Lembit Opik.
- Lose all your money at the Edinburgh Fringe.