It has been a while since I’ve written one of these, so let me begin.
January
Wake up without a hangover, having made the New Year resolution to only use crack cocaine. Spend the rest of the month committing petty crime.
February
Suspended sentence and ordered to attend The Priory clinic. Spend a week vomiting and seeing things, before realising that I am actually in a Premier Inn. Pay large damages bill and go home cured of the crack.
March
Begin writing my first novel but run out of ideas after three words. Spend the rest of the month watching pornography.
April
Catch the Black Death off an antique toilet seat and are poked into hospital by a big man. Begin writing my second novel but blood comes out of my armpits and fuses my laptop.
May
Visit my fictional agent who puts me up for a fictional part in Doctor Who. Spend three fictional days in Cardiff wearing pretend makeup. Taking bookings for conventions now. Have a birthday and drink a yard of petrol.
June
In coma.
July
Awake to see my friends dressed in tin foil hats pretending it is 2000 years in the future. Throw a wee bottle at them and try to drink the bed. Doctors fill me with gravy (I think) and make me sing all of Les Miserables in the nude.
August
Begin a small business selling commemorative weaponry. John F Kennedy rifles selling like hot cakes.
Sell hot cakes instead.
Arrested for selling hot cakes to criminals. Small fine and ten minutes community service.
September
Uneventful beginning to the month. Buy three bags of sprouts from the ironmonger and throw them away discovering they are actually small green light bulbs.
Receive a phone call from the government. They ask me to deliver my seminar on ‘How Not to Confuse Light Bulbs with Sprouts’ in Exeter at the end of the month for £2.50 and a kiss. I agree to do it.
Arrive at the conference hall and set up my zither and lightning rod.
Delegates arrive and I find myself unable to take my eyes of the young man sitting opposite me who
quotes Doctor Who and I melt.
Reconstitute myself with a freezer and deliver the seminar, only losing one delegate to the lightning this time. Afterwards I spend two weeks talking and giggling with the young man.
Time to leave so I give the young man my number and feel sure that I’ll never hear from him again.
On the train home and the young man texts me. We talk for three months.
October
The world is only background noise. There is only me and him and nothing else matters. We fall in love.
November
Pull myself back into the real world long enough to record a new Brainjam with Lisa, Tom and Andrew. Then slip quietly away again with the love of my life.
December
Busy! Must buy presents! Must drink beer! Must wrap presents! Must drink beer! Must drink wine!
New years eve! Must drink wine!
Happy New Year to you and your loved ones.