It was a pleasantly warm freezing afternoon in a hole, when I first mounted my trusty John Steed. My heart soared and mind raced as I thought about the adventures which lay ahead. After catching my heart in a net and running down my mind in a shiny purple car, I made my way to the big city and the skin trade.

On arriving in Londondon I booked into the Savaloy hotel and ordered a large Scot on room service. He appeared in the bathroom a few seconds later with a plate of sporrans and poured a large glass of tears into my suitcase and burst. I switched on the wireless radiophone and the familiar melody of The Archers theme transported me to a different place and time.

Fifty years later in Edinburgh, I leaned against a lamppost and sobbed. How I was going to get back to 2014? My knowledge of temporal physics was sketchy at best and I hadn’t the faintest idea how to fly a hover-kilt. It was then I remembered the flux capacitor on my Swiss army fork.

After smashing the window of a nearby hover-hearse I plugged the flux capacitor into the fusion powered corpse lighter and it began pulsing with light and crackling loudly in silence. I set the date and time on my mobile phone and ran down Princes Street naked. Eventually I reached 88 Mph and streaked safely into the Americano bar of the Savaloy hotel in good old 2014. In a flash, the bar staff cupped my genitals and escorted me back to my room, where the adventure of a lifetime was about to begin.

Thanks for reading this blog. If you would enjoy hearing me and some chums being silly, the April edition of Brainjam is out now at: , iTunes, Stitcher Radio and Soundcloud.


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