It is during this season that we think back to the past year and what we’ve achieved.
No we don’t!?
We think “Oh I’m so busy and I’ve not enough money for anything and the heating is so expensive but I’ve not bought a present for Uncle Bob oh I feel so alone, so poor and so alone, oh no! My mobile phone has been cut off! I forgot to pay that bill and now I haven’t any money.” Well that’s what I think and yes my mobile phone has been cut off because I forgot to pay the bill.
Anyway enough of my terrible life, let’s look back at 2009.
In Mexico City, Rodriguez Cantina became the first man to be found guilty of licking the Virgin Mary’s cunt. Mr Cantina was cleaning the statue in the church of St Blandishment when a piece of plaster fell away revealing a perfectly formed fanny . Cantina saw this as a divine request for cunnilingus so kindly obliged. However he was discovered in the act by Father Christmasera and immediately arrested by the local constabulary who invoked a little known law of ‘Icon Mollestation’ to get him sentenced to death.
Happily Cantina was pardoned when the statue’s vagina refused to stop weeping.
Also some bloke became President of the USA.
Robin Hood Prince of Thieves co-star Kevin Costner was spotted doing something interesting. The self proclaimed ‘King of Bland’ was seen through his living room window playing Twister. The star was unavailable to comment.
Also in February, British scientists sent a probe into space to examine the back of the sun. Sadly the probe failed as it vaporised within a thousand Kilometres of the star. In a press conference, head scientist Bill Withered said “we are confused by the failure of Icarus 1. We took every precaution to make the mission a success, including sending the probe up in winter when the sun is at it’s coolest. As I speak our team is examining the final telemetry from the probe and we’ll return with our findings next month.” He then jumped out of the window and ran away.
It was a bad month for non-arable farmers when farm animals over threw their owners and started their own macro-communist states. This began a cold war between agricultural farms and petting zoos which threatened to erupt into a conflict which would have wiped out hundreds of fields in the North of England and Dorset. However order was restored when the leaders of the revolution were overthrown and made into yummy bacon.
In late march the Icarus 1 team reported their findings in a note (pictured below) slipped under the front door of TV astronomer Patrick Moore.
Sandy Toksvig was taken to hospital when her neck finally collapsed under the weight of her head. It took surgeons five hours to extract the radio star’s bonce from inside her torso. The star was cheerful after the operation, stating that she’d always wanted to see her tits from the inside.
Monkey news dominated in April as several chimps escaped London zoo and set out to kill A.A Gill. Sadly they failed, although one did manage to bite his cock off.
Bells were the order of the day in May as video game ‘Victorian Campanology’ became the fastest selling of the year – blowing the ‘Rock Band’ series out of the water. However with the cheapest bell rope and belfry controller costing £150,000.99 plus planning permission fees, it was criticized by some as being too expensive. Stand-up comedian and writer Richard Herring bought three and is being sued by Hammersmith and Fulham council.
Ants can do sums! In a study conducted by Cambridge University, scientists discovered that ants were able to perform complex calculations and in some cases were able to create new machines to performing them (a new quantum computer was invented in April). A tiny chair was created at the University and the first Professor of Ant Mathematics began working on the 31st May in a shoe box.
As temperatures soared into the low twenties, more people than ever went about their day in the nude. This had repercussions for bus and train travellers whose fares increased by 10% to pay for the provision of air fresheners and papers seat covers. By the end of June the circle line became known as the brown line, due to the number of people failing to remove and dispose of their seat covers correctly.
Also in June the nation mourned the loss of one of its greatest public figures when Bertie Bassett died after a short battle with dissolving innards. He will be remembered fondly for his adverts and that episode of Doctor Who.
Sammy Davis Jr came back to life for a week in July to open a new Tesco store in Bloxham. The entertainer treated the crowds to some of his signature dance moves before collapsing into a pile of bones and skin.
Japan went into freefall in August after the population were informed by scientists that electricity would give them warts. Mass panic swept the streets as mobs armed with flaming torches smashed power stations and anything buzzy or electronic. Order was only restored when a government advisor informed the mobs that what scientists had actually said was “electrical power is measured in Watts.”
Also this month: Daniel Day–Lewis, while researching the roll of a suicide victim, jumped in front of a train. The funeral was short and happy.
The Queen declared herself open at the beginning of September as Royal Genital Week began. The public were treated to a guided tour of the monarch’s lady garden before attending a lecture about Prince Philip’s cock and a multimedia exhibition featuring the sights and smells of Prince Charles’ bellend.
Looking for me? No? That’s because the invisibility cloak was finally released in September to a fanfare of absence. People queued around the block to get there first taste of not being seen. Sadly most were disappointed as the Invisibility Sheet was itself invisible, leading to claims that the manufacturers were selling empty boxes. The trial continues.
Milton Keynes was announced as the 2010 European Cultural Void.
It was playtime in the House of Commons when the Prime Minister had a large bouncy castle inflated in the chamber to cheer up MPs after the expenses scandal . Transport secretary Peter Plantroom said “it was wicked but I sicked up my Happy meal.” In January the P.M is planning on installing a ball pool in the House of Lords.
The season of horrific burns began with a bang as David Hasselhof detonated the first cat’s anus of the season. Sadly it failed to go off and he stupidly returned to the smouldering crack which exploded and fired Felix cat food directly into his brain. However there was no permanent damage and he went on to sing his new single ‘Ermmmmmmmmmmml’.
Michael Jackson was a made a saint in a Vatican ceremony on the 12th November. The pope said in a speech afterwards that “nobody personified the attitudes to children held by the Catholic Church more than Mr Jackson.” Gary Glitter , who was in the audience, said afterwards “I can’t wait to be dead.”
In December I wrote this blog, sitting in my dressing gown at a desk in my bedroom. It’s not a very good one and it could have probably done with an edit but I’ve got wanking to do and simply don’t have the time to faff with it.
Also in December snow came to life and attempted to take over the world. This led to suspicion of anyone in possession of a wintry surname. Peter and John Snow left the country and Neil Sleet died on a dry ski slope after going downhill fast*.
* Joke established 1856.