Dear British Broadcasting Corporation,
We’ve been friends now for thirty seven years. You entertained and delighted me since childhood and are like a well loved Aunty. You’ve informed me about the world and helped shape my view of it.
However I think we need a little chat. Things haven’t been going well for you lately but I don’t want you to loose heart. You are still the finest broadcasting organisation in the world. You constantly push the boundaries of what is possible and lead the way in new technologies and broadcasting mediums. Your programs are often iconic: Doctor Who, The Proms, Newsnight, Blue Peter & Newsround are titles known by every man, woman and child in the land and form part of the British vocabulary. How often have you heard somebody say “that place is like a TARDIS”? Or used the phrase ‘here’s one I made earlier’?
The public love you and are comforted by your presence. While there’s a BBC the country can never be a bad place to live. This was shown to be the case during the war and subsequent years of austerity and more recently the 1970s when the country was in another great recession. It was at these times you rose to meet a challenge: this challenge was to keep the spirits of the nation high against all the odds, and you achieved this brilliantly with superb comedy, drama and light entertainment. We find ourselves now in another recession and it is time for the BBC to do the same again.
Sadly you have a problem. The idiots are baying for your blood and the moronic newspaper hacks are digging in your dustbins. It’s time to fight back! This is something you can’t do yourself; however we the viewers can. We’re going to reclaim you from the packs of imbeciles who huddle around you like sexually frustrated clerics on an outing to a strip club.
How do we do this? It’s quite simple really. For every piece of television or radio we enjoy we make a call of congratulations to you. We will pat you on the back when you’re doing well and praise you when you take a brave decision. If a presenter accidentally swears on air we’ll laugh about it and tell you we’re laughing. We’ll write to our MP in defence of your right to make challenging, rude and exciting comedy programs and all that they entail.
We want you back, we love you and we’re going to reclaim you.