Just read the following headline on the BBC site:
Cockler gangmaster gets 14 years
Frankly I think those Cockler bastards should get the chair! I’ve seen em dealing in cracks and selling hookers at tuppence a gander.
Milm!
Monthly Archives: March 2006
Jordan’s Puppies
Apparently Jordan is having another breast operation to stop them sagging. Here’s a picture, look at the picture, it’s a funny picture, look how funny it is…
Malg!
Watery Bowel
Today I was looking through a pile of post that I had been saving for a rainy day.
In and among the red letters and offers of sofas at bargain knock down prices – which means that they still cost more money than a space shuttle – I discovered a leaflet offering me: COLONIC HYDROTHERAPY FOR £10.99. Now call me old fashioned but if I wanted to swill my colon out I’d squat on a garden sprinkler, probably in Kew Gardens and smoke a pipe while doing it. However I have rarely thought to myself “Martin what you really need is a good swill out like a beer pump.”
Then I read on: ‘Why should I use a colon cleanser to cleanse my colon?’ at this point I turned pale and fell limply onto the sofa. Nobody told me this you see. I’ve gone 33 years not knowing that I should be using a colon cleanser. Where do you get it? Do they do it in big family size bottles? Should I be sticking it up my cat? So many questions invaded my previously untroubled consciousness. Intrigued I read even further:
‘Our modern lifestyle and daily eating habits, include over-processed and refined foods, chemical additives, lack of beneficial bacteria in our foods, chemical farming, chlorinated water, pesticides and herbicides… Which collectively can contribute to the build-up of mucoid plaque in the colon.
This plaque adheres to the walls of your colon, to create a warm, moist and putrefied environment… A perfect breeding ground for unfriendly bacteria, Candida (yeast) and parasites. The number of victims of digestive disorders in America alone, is estimated to be over 63 million!’
I have plaque up my arse! I didn’t know! Why are so many American’s afflicted? Could it be the weather?
Anyway I’m just heading off to get a hosepipe and some colon cleanser. Wonder if Flash bathroom will work
Blib!
I’m back!
Sorry for the long time thing.
Have been moving house and stuff and stuffing houses.
Here’s me in my new front room, where I stand and look up for hours:
However mostly I do this:
Then poop.
Glib!
Teletastic!
Have decided to become a television producer. Here are just a few of my ideas that will be coming to your screen soon.
Title: Harsh Words from a Small Man
Premise: A dwarf swears criticisms at some men.
——–
Title: Celebrity Pharmacy
Premise: Eight celebrities run a Chemist shop for six weeks. Challenges include retrieving an aspirin from a pit of spiders and talking people into trying experimental drugs.
———–
Title: Teach My Kid a Lesson
Premise: Twenty five ASBO kids are driven over a cliff in a bus full of bombs, while Stuart Hall laughs.
—————-
Title: Vile’s Disease
Premise: A sit-com in which Sam Vile inherits a pest control business. Hilarity ensues when Sam finds a mouse up Lady Crimpleton – Jones’s flu.
—————–
Title: Celebrity Traffic Island
Premise: Ten celebrities try to resist the temptation of a Little Chef restaurant just feet from the traffic island where they will be sleeping for 2 years.
—————–
Title: I’m Really Fat
Premise: Sharon Corpulent tells, through a vale of tears, how unhappy she is being fat. Then in part two she takes us through her favourite cake recipes.
—————–
Title: Push Me
Premise: A history of the electric button.
—————–
Title: How Smelly Are You
Premise: Two well dressed women mock a tramp.
—————–
Title: Polihits
Premise: Andrew Neil hosts the late night discussion show where members of the public are able to put their fists to the faces of leading politicians.
——————
Title: Doctor Woo
Premise: ITV version of the BBC’s hit show. Doctor Woo shows Iris how to celebrate Chinese new year on ice.
——————–
Title: Gladiators
Premise: Seven fitness obsessed bank workers fight to the death while Stuart Hall laughs.
Flut!
Flakes
| Well that was a mighty fine Sunday, yes sireeeeeeee.
What is a Siree, do you think? Is it the person to whom you are addressing the title Sir or is it a brand of chewing tobacco. I think we should be told by the government of North America. Anyway it has been a nice day. This morning I awoke to discover that more lovely snow had fallen. So I got up and took a walk with my camera around Sowerby Bridge. As I was walking, a bloke in a 4 x 4 vehicle drove past at about 50 MPH beeping his horn and sprayed me head to toe in slush. However later I had the pleasure of seeing him stranded half way up a hill before he was hit by a Land Rover sliding sideways back down same hill. I simply walked past and smiled at the ranting driver. Schadenfreudetastic! |
Empty Headed
They say that you can tell when a writer runs out of ideas when he starts doing lists. Well here’s another:
Ten plays that never opened:
1) Separate Toilets
2) Waiting for Garibaldi
3) Beautiful Sink
4) The Mouse Crap
5) Accountants
6) Wild Scrotes
7) Sick Up Your Beers
The Broom
9) No Man’s Flan
10) The Remembrance of Things Vast
OK it’s a bit Pinter heavy but he’s my favourite. I have written a play it’s just one long Pinteresque pause and is running in empty theatres all over the country.
Minge!
Flap Doodle!
Well there’s more from the Ghost Town production tonight. I can show you exclusively a photo that will change your life:
This one will change you children’s lives. It’s the audience for tonights show gathering and getting wet at 16:30. Spazzes! Don’t they know the show doesn’t start till 9pm. Errrgh!
I am media sex!
Moogles!
Woooooooo!
It’s the coolest thing!
Derek Acorah off of Most Haunted, is in town. They have set up a production office for a live show called. Ghostown Live in the building where I work.
Here’s a photo of a sign directing people to it:
I really am Mr Media.
Flabble!