I have a comedy umbrella. 

Now the above statement is not a pitch to get me onto ‘Britain Has Some Demonstrable Talent But Not Much by the Looks of This’, it is simply a fact. 

This morning I was directing a chap to the railway station with my brolly and it sprang open, leaving the man unable to speak with the laughter zooming out of his gob-mouth. No doubt, he missed his train but at least he now has a hilarious anecdote to tell his children and his grandchildren. 

Then later while I was buying some crisps in a shop, it did it again! This time lifting a lady’s skirt in a 1970s Carry On stylee. This sent an elderly man into such fits of laughter that his top set of dentures fell forward and rested on his chin, which made him look like a strange laughing zombie.  This was such a disturbing sight that the young boy queuing behind me could not fail to have had that image imprinted on his brain until he is a laughing old man with flapping teeth. 

Therefore, I wish to announce that from tomorrow, I will be in a new double act called ‘Wolfenden & Brolly’, which will take the world of comedy by storm. We are already in talks with ITV to make a sit-com in which Brolly opens unexpectedly, lifting a woman’s dress and making an old man laugh. 

Well it has to be better than the rest of their comedy output.

Whoops Missus!

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