It’s summer in the United Kingdom and the sun is cracking ‘t flags. So what can you do to maximise your enjoyment of this special time of year? Here are some sexy suggestions.

  1. Ride a frozen glove.
  2. Kiss a deer.
  3. Sweat yourself French.
  4. Sting a friend with wasps.
  5. Lick a ghost.
  6. Piss on a jellyfish.
  7. Scream something complicated.
  8. Write a poem called ‘A Maelstrom of Cocks’.
  9. Dress as a Victorian and demand to see the lunatics in your local psychiatric hospital.
  10. Watch Breaking Bad backwards, chanting “fixing good fixing good fixing good…”
  11. Buy an octopus nine pints.
  12. Go into space.
  13. Thrill a mockingbird.
  14. Stick bunting up your arse and call an ambulance.
  15. Inform your family that you have a week to live and die forty years later, laughing.
  16. Get a job at the Cadbury’s factory and fill the Cream Eggs with sick.
  17. Visit Stewart Hall in prison, wearing a giant foam penis.
  18. Glue googly eyes to corpses.
  19. Discover what happened to Lembit Opik.
  20. Lose all your money at the Edinburgh Fringe.

Ta ta.

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