Yesterday a human man said to me “you have to love yourself.” This is a phrase I’ve heard many times over my forty one years of life and have never really understood. How does one ‘love’ oneself? Is it more than a quick wank before going to sleep? Does it involve kissing?

I think the answers to those questions are: you can’t love yourself, no and weird.

No human can love themselves because love is something felt for another person or animal. So unless you have a specific form of self-loving split personality disorder, you will be destined to mildly dislike yourself for the rest of your life. This is a good thing, embrace the power of your self-loathing.

There are people who will attempt to disabuse you of this notion. They will tell you that you can love yourself because they love themselves. These people are trying to sell you a self-help book, so inform them that you are proud to dislike yourself, like your parents and your parent’s parents and their parents, right back to the first amoeba which felt a bit fat.

Note: People who say that they love themselves are psychopaths and should be avoided.

To really dislike yourself  it is important to write down a list of your weaknesses in the third person.

Here’s mine:

  • Terrible with money.
  • Has to restrain self from shouting “knob cheese” during two minute silences.
  • Likes dogs more than people.
  • Can’t cook.
  • Picks nose and eats what he finds.
  • Only watches films containing explosions.
  • Doesn’t understand punctuation.
  • Basic Maths confuses him.
  • Can’t click his fingers.
  • Has no discernible talent in any area of life.

Go and make your own list now and prove that you’re not a psychopath. PROVE IT!

Also if you’re interested; Novembers episode of Brain jam is out now at www.brainjam.co.uk, iTunes and in the player below.  It is full of lovely silly autumn sketches.

Hate Yourself

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